Things

Things are never really what they seem to be, so many people look happy and yet are breaking apart inside, some people seem like the strongest people around but the slightest odd glance or slightest sideway word can send them reeling for days…I am both.

The people that meet me may think I am always happy or I can handle anything thrown my way but the truth is over the past year or so I have come to realize that although I AM happy and strong there is a limit to what I can bear. I have learned that words can hurt and thoughts can invade my mind and I will shut down.

My best friend noticed this about me and told me that during this time of the pandemic I may not be doing as well as I think I am and unfortunately for me, he’s right. I have four kids, my parents are alive, my birth mom lives in another country and never mind the fear and concern I have for my best friend and his family let alone all the people I have met through him. The fear consumes me sometimes, it races through my head daily, wondering if they are really ok or if they just say that to put people’s minds at ease or if they are just as scared as I am. I have come to appreciate the people in my life more than I ever have before and I have learned who is a true friend and those of course that only want to be friends with me because they feel they have something to gain.

This pandemic has been eye opening for me, it has shown me that not only do I care but I care deeply and I only want to be around others that have the same kind of heart as me. So many people are angry and hurting and instead of turning to good things and trying to change their lives for the better ( I don’t mean financially) they just continue to complain about what they don’t have, they continue to turn on one another over small things like public safety and health. It feels like poison going through my veins to read and hear about the ugliness.

Me and my best friend have taken up food delivery as a way to pad our income but more so to help those that are afraid to go out. We drive around from place to place for hours on end and it’s hard not to get lost in your thoughts. It’s hard to not think about everything that is going on and wondering how the general population is handling this. I have started to lose myself slowly but I have decided to being myself back and LOOK at the beauty around, to take in the scenery and LOOK at the people and see that although they may be scared they are making it the best way they can. I am realizing things are out of my control and that I need to learn to accept it and to embrace the changes no matter how uncomfortable they make me. I need to take a lesson from the things and people around me that although sometimes I may feel down for the count just like them I will survive this and in the end it doesn’t matter how scary it gets we are all in this together even if we may not always agree.

Him

He’s the man that calms my fears…

The man I live with is my best friend, it took me a long time to understand that to love truly a friendship needs to exist and that trust needs to be part of that…

I grew up in a normal household, a mom and dad that to this daycare still together…the problem is, I never saw them fight. Sure I saw them disagree and then I saw them pretend that nothing happened. What I didn’t understand was that they are the product of disfunction and between my inner child wounds and my misunderstanding of life, love and relationships I never learned trust. I never learned that couples argue and it is normal I never learned that life is not a fairy tale when you find the one you love, I never learned that disrespect and disdain and the general feeling of entrapment are not a part of a healthy relationship, I truly believed you needed to sacrifice yourself for your partner or they will leave because me being myself I was not good enough and there was no way anyone could ever want a damaged person.

In walks the man I’ve always dreamed of, I’ve prayed for, I’ve always believed didn’t exist…

When you meet that person, you just know, you just feel it in every fiber of your being, we’re not talking butterflies and that sick nauseous feeling but the feeling of peace, that feeling of “it’s going to be ok” that feeling of breathing again.

He jokes a lot that I should realize how lucky I am to have him but what he may not know is that I do realize that, I realize it every time I act less than stellar, every time I “drop the ball”, every time I get scared or anxious and he comes home and starts to pick on me…I realize it every day that I am alive that all my hopes and dreams have been heard but I couldn’t have them until I was ready. I needed to release my hurt and my desire for the shallow and easy path, I needed to understand that life isn’t a series of “yes ma’am’s or yes sirs” I needed to realize that to be with someone completely you needed to give of yourself and I hadn’t been ready…my favorite saying is you need to “walk through the fire to get to the sunshine” yeah I possibly screwed that up but my version resonates within me because my life has been fire. I put myself into bad situations and bad relationships because I “knew better”. I never understood the work a healthy relationship took and if I did I didn’t want to work, I wanted it to come easily and ready…again enter him…he came into my life unexpectedly, he brings challenge to me everyday, and everyday I wake up and wonder “what will happen today?” He’s funny and charming, and charismatic, he’s EVERYTHING…beyond the simple things he’s my best friend, the one I can be vulnerable with, the one that listens when I really need him to and the one that doesn’t leave me when I am a brat. He’s shown me the beauty of a person with compassion and heart and he’s shown me that sometimes you’ll fight or disagree and with love and friendship it will be alright, he’s put up with my green side and loved me regardless and he’s put logic in place of neurosis…am I lucky yes, will he ever understand how lucky I am…no I am not entirely sure why I know he is lucky as well, accepting, free of judgement and supporting of each other. knowing I can turn to him in times of uncertainty, fear, doubt and when my ham butt is done cooking. I know he hearts my face, even when he doesn’t say it. I can tell by the way he has my back, looks out for my best interest and overall how he treats me. cept when it’s night night time and he dramatically wants drinkie, proceeded by asking me what we have for his drinkie all the while knowing damn well what we have for drinkies. uh oh, here he comes to spy on me!  I, at times, think he has no idea how much he means to me cuz I can see in his eyes when he tells me stories how much I mean to him.   I am thankful that with him I feel like I can do anything I set my mind and don’t have to always feel foolish for reaching for the stars.

Just stop

This pain never seems to end, they say time heals all wounds but I am beginning to doubt that statement in it’s entirety. I hurt, my heart is broken, I can’t breath and I hate it…

What did I do, that’s the perpetual question that gets ignored. What’s wrong with me that everyone I give my heart to leaves…I was told one time I’m a lot to handle but the right one will want to handle me and help me calms my fears and be the soft shoulder I’ve needed so long to lean on…I don’t believe it.

The right one is a myth it’s a fantasy, at least in my world. I love hard and I get hurt twice as hard. Men come to you with so many lies and promises that when you believe them you’re left standing there like a fool…empty, broken, and alone…you gave your heart away and you were given mud in return. You can’t build on mud, everything sinks to the bottom…hope, desire, trust…all at the bottom of a puddle of mud.

I’m tired, I’m exhausted, I’m just beaten and bruised and I don’t know how much more I can take. I miss smiling and happiness and joy, oh god how I miss joy…I’ve had these things a few times in my life but they are always fleeting.

They say to love someone you need to love yourself first, well it would appear that I don’t, but SURPRISE, I do and I only want to share it with someone that deserves it…instead I’m greeted with woolen wolves and charismatic magicians, able to hide their true selves until I get to close…it hurts.

The pain ebbs and flows and courses through my vein trying to get me to change my heart and the way I love but I won’t let it, my heart is who I am and no matter the pain I won’t allow it to be filled with darkness, instead I’ll keep pushing on until I have no fight left in me and then and only then will I quit…so to all the boys and friends and just common acquaintances that have turned their back or brushed me away like a common pest one day I’ll be gone but I hope you remember how much I was there when things were good for you…

In she walked

For those that don’t know, I’m adopted. I’ve known from a very early age and it changed my world.

I grew up overseas as an army brat with a mom and dad like most people from my generation. My father worked a lot and my mother spent her time at church and reading. I can’t say that my life was wonderful or even the picture of a happy family, to do that would be lying.

I can look back on my life and remember the good times…picking out Christmas trees and decorating them, singing Christmas songs around the advent wreath as we lit a candle each Sunday to count down to Christmas, I can remember family trips we took around Europe, that was all great and I’ll spare you the hurt and anguish of my life but I always knew there was something wrong. I look at pictures of my childhood starting at the age of 5 (my age of discovery) and my smile is gone my eyes are sad…there’s something wrong, there’s something missing…

I came across the paperwork easily enough, I had been reading since a very early age (my mother was an English major so reading was of upmost importance) I was being nosey and found papers with my name on them and proceeded to read them…adoption…I was a child and had no idea what that word meant. I asked my mother about the papers and she proceeded to tell me the story of how she and my father came to be my parents.

I can remember thinking that it was neat, that I was special and I was chosen and a gift from God because after all that’s what my mother told me. I didn’t really understand that in essence I was given away…

As I got older and understood more of this word adoption I would tell anyone and everyone that I was adopted especially when they would say I looked like my mother or my father, I was always quick to point out that they were NOT my parents that I was adopted so I could NOT look like them. I grew up feeling out of place and never good enough because after all if my mom didn’t want me and my family life was subpar then it must mean that there was something wrong with me and no one could ever really love me or want me.

I kept everyone away from me after all they were going to leave me too and if they didn’t I knew they would treat me poorly so I started to depend on myself. I turned inward and listened to my thoughts and filled myself with so much anger and fear that no one would be able to hurt me again. I kept to myself, yes, I had friends but I knew they wouldn’t last. I got my first dog when I was in elementary school and quickly learned that no matter what he would be there for me so my direction turned to animals, they love you unconditionally and they are there when you are hurt or sick and they don’t leave if you’ve done something wrong, my dog was my best friend and my only confidant.

In my teenager year the self-hatred and lack of worth grew stronger, see I had dream that my “real mom” would come get me and take me away from the life I was living, I held on to that fantasy for years but it never came true…I turned in on myself so much because I was lost and flailing like a kite with no string that my depression and my anxiety grew so much it encompassed me…love no one and let no one love you they all leave you…that was my mantra. I build a fortress around myself that no one could enter, sure I’d think I was in love but I have since learned to love is to be vulnerable and I was not letting anyone in.

I grew up and got married even had a few kids but I could never run fast enough or far enough away from my pain, it haunted me in everything I did, something was always missing, that proverbial puzzle piece of my life…I trusted no one, not even my kids although I had brought them into the world and I loved them with all I could I still could not trust that they would stay. I married a couple more times and with each one I brought the same issues…abandonment and trust…why could I never believe that anyone could possibly love me so I would sabotage and hurt anyone before they hurt me.

I started to look for my mom years ago, almost 20 to be precise, I could never find her. I knew her name and I knew where she lived when I was born but I couldn’t find her. I searched for years without telling anyone. I would read those adoption papers again and again trying to figure out how and where she could be and how I could find her. I just wanted to see her face, I just wanted to know the simple things…do I look like her, do I act like her, did I get my feet from her…mostly I wanted to know why she didn’t want me and what I did wrong.

It had been over 10 years since I started the search and I had come across a website that could possibly help the search. I put my information in there and waited for something, nothing, by this time I was fully into my anger and it was spilling out everywhere. I lashed and cried and squished it all down because I wouldn’t be seen as weak.

One day I got an email…she had been found, my birth mother had been found. I though the email was a scam, I thought why should I trust this stranger who had never met me and was in a different country, why???? I relented though, what could I possibly have to lose after all it wasn’t like I had ever known her or my birth mother. I have her my number and we talked and she gave me my Mom’s name, it changed when she remarried a few years ago. I clicked the link and sure enough, my moms face staring back at me…40 years I had waited to see her, 40 years I had questions and for 40 years I had such anger…when I saw her those things went away. I knew her immediately, I knew that she didn’t want to give me up and that she loved me, I just knew.

The following weeks I asked the important questions and she answered them for me. I dealt with my mortality, I mean if you have no mom and you have no history do you really die and if you do, does anyone care???? I looked in the mirror and I saw her face staring back at me, to be honest it scared me. The biggest thing that happened was I actually have a true life mom that has been searching for me and loving me from afar. I finally feel peace and I finally feel whole and now I am desperate to fill in the years that we have spent apart. I have learned a lot about my mom and she has become my confidant and my shoulder to cry on when I’m felling down or anxious, she has the words to life me up and give me strength. Most of all she has given me peace and a sense of belonging I have never had. I love this woman probably as much as she loves me….

I can’t breath

3 months in and there’s silence, I’m torn on what I did wrong. We met simply enough and our connection was immediate. Now…silence…

It started as a simple press of a like button after seeing his face screaming at me from the screen, I knew I had to have him in my life. Through endless conversations and numerous texts we made it through the distance and he came back home. Seeing him face to face was scary, I was nervous and and shy and I held myself back from the huge impulse to jump on him and wrap my arms around him. He said “you’re hard to read” little did he know the force it took within myself to shield my excitement and just sheer joy that he was here.

He came into my life like lightening and sent sparks flying within me that I haven’t felt in such a long time I couldn’t believe what was happening. We never had a lot of time together since his work schedule dominated his time. I was ok with that though because anytime with him was good enough for me. We complimented each other with our energy and his smile and the look in his eyes could cut straight through my soul.

Then it happened our first “fight” it was over something that I don’t feel the need to mention but it hurt and I felt like I was losing my best friend and the person in my life that truly understood me, I spent the week going through life like a zombie existing only to do the bare minimum. I guess that should’ve been a sign to me for things to come but the energy and the vibe were too much to resist. His childlike manner, his laugh, his voice (oh lord his voice, the laughter, and even his smell…I realize his smell is a bizarre thing to hold on to but his smell brought me comfort even in the worst of times.

We were great, it was fun and normal to be around him and when we were together time stopped. Then it happened the second fight and he pulled away again and my heart broke, I was wrong and I wanted to fix it and take away the distance between us but he’s stubborn and he’s busy and he needed his time. He said I scare him, I guess I can understand why. When you are used to being alone and living your life I can imagine the fear of someone coming into it and the feelings of change and intrusion. He said he works too much but he could never hear me say “I’m happy with 5 minutes because at least it’s with you”. He’s had so much tragedy in life with loss and to allow someone in can be frightening especially when the person they are with is anxious and fears abandonment herself.

He pulled back again and this time it hurt more than anything I’ve felt, I knew that I had fallen in love with him but I couldn’t tell him, his fear of love is huge, he doesn’t even tell his dog, instead he tells her “I heart your face”… well I told him, I told him because if this was going to end by either his words or mine he needed to know, he needed to know I had fallen for him and that those words aren’t given away freely, I let him know I would step back but that I wasn’t leaving and I was still here, I can only sit here and hope he heard me and hasn’t run…

Until I know I just can’t breath…